Who Makes the Cut: What Funnies Do I Read in 2007

Every year, as one of my resolutions, I seek to simplify my life. Because my everyday reading includes the funnies, I take stock of this routine and see where I might cull and thereby concentrating my reading time. I seek quality over quantity. So, here they are, yes means they make the cut one more year, and not means the strip is OUT baby.

Baby Blues – yes. It’s never laugh-out-loud-funny, but it does have its moments and it’s location on the upper left hand side of the funnies page starts my reading off on a nice note. I particularly like Darryl, the outsized-nosed father of the strip who looks like a relative of Sir Rodney (see Wizard of Id, below). Co-author Jerry Scott managed to make the old strip Nancy quite funny in the late 1980s. Nancy, originally drawn by Ernie Bushmiller was perhaps the worst comic strip ever. Even worse than Alley Oop. No, really, just in case the Statesman editors have even a vague thought of publishing Nancy.

Mother Goose and Grimm – yes. This strip was on the bubble last year and almost didn’t make the cut for my reading in 2006. But, thanks to the talents of its creator Mike Peters, it seems to have rebounded with a new burst of cynicism. Besides, I’m a sucker for smart alecky dogs like Grimmy (see Pooch Café, below).

B.C. – yes. Every now and then this classic is laugh-out-loud-funny and, if there is such a thing, a first ballot Cartooning Hall of Fame. Johnny Hart has been a favorite of mine since jr. high school with his armory of shameless puns and visual gags. His collaborations with Brant Parker made Wizard of Id one of the funniest strips of all time. In B.C. Hart has a museum quality collection of characters like the Fat Broad, Peter, the apteryx, the Cute Chick, and Thor.

For Better or Worse – yes. Lynn Johnston’s ongoing saga of Canadian dentist John Patterson and his family is entertaining and dramatic both. Since FBoFW is written in real time, the people in the strip age over the years but I feel that Johnston’s characters are starting to look alike and I can no longer distinguish Elizabeth from April. But I still like these people, their stories, and their sense of humor.

Edge City – yes. Here are some more people I like (pardon me if I act like Len and Carly are real, but if you read the comics religiously like I do, these characters are take on a persona and share their lives with me three panels at a time). This strip, drawn by a husband and wife team, is often quite funny.

Pooch Café – yes. One of the best of the new breed of strips, Poncho the dog is hilarious and I particularly love the whole catapult-cats-into-the-sun story line. The drawings by Canadian Paul Gilligan are quirky and fun.

Dilbert – yes. A must read. If I am traveling and don’t get to read a newspaper with comics (aka funnies), I will go on line to read Dilbert. How does Scott Adams, who quit his job at PacBell in 11 years ago, still keep abreast of office politics? Dilbert’s simple and awkward drawings are taped to many a cubicle in corporate America for their relevance and laugh-out-loud humor. Does every office have a Pointy-Haired Boss?

Cathy – on probation.. I’m almost through with Cathy. Too many words and not enough of a payoff in the last panel. I think Cathy Guisewhite jumped the shark when she had her lead character marry Irving. The constant consumerism and sheer idiocy of some of the characters, Cathy included, is starting to get to me too. This strip has 90 days to turn it around.

Since the new year is a time to take stock of our blessings as well, I have to say thanks that the Austin American Statesman does not run the Katzenjammer Kids, which is one of the worst comic strips ever.

Mallard Fillmore – yes, but a reluctant yes. I was ready to drop this bird because of cartoonist Bruce Tinsley’s one-sided ness. It’s like conservative radio, you can only listen so much to one point of view. But Tinsley redeemed himself when he took some bi-partisan shots at his own party in November. MF brings a chuckle now and then, not much more.

Doonesbury – yes. Still fresh and relevant after 35 years in syndication. Trudeau manages to extend the life of his characters with lots of imagination. Who would have thought of Duke as a lobbyist? B.D. as Walden’s football coach is a natural, but having him go through post-traumatic stress at the same time is somehow touching and funny. Only Trudeau can pull that off.

Baldo – yes. Often funny, collaborating cartoonists Cantú and Castellanos manage to make situations in Latino households relevant to a broader audience. My favorites are Tía Carmen with her curanderias and super-sized friend Cruz.

Garfield – out. I bid a sad adieu after 25 plus years, but Garfield isn’t funny anymore. Not even a chuckle. Like Cathy marrying Irving, Jon’s boyfriend status with Liz has taken the wind out of the sails of this once hilarious strip. Not to take anything away from creator Jim Davis’ innovation and genius, but Garfield lost his edginess and sold out years ago.

Blondie – yes. Now in its unbelievable 65th year with great drawings by Dean Young, son of original cartoonist Chic Young, Blondie is consistently funny. Considering that the strip has only about six standard situations repeated over and over, they still manage to make me laugh. Even anachronisms like Mr. Beasley who delivers mail to the Bumstead’s door only to get body slammed by a late-to-his-car-pool Dagwood Bumstead. How can you not laugh at that?

Sally Forth – yes. Sally makes the cut but for the life of me I don’t know why I read this strip. Maybe for the office situations, which aren’t really hilarious but just o.k. Message to Sally’s husband Ted: man up for Pete’s sake.

Born Loser – out. I dropped the Born Loser last year. Used to be funny. Now it isn't.

Hi and Lois – yes. One of the great things about Hi and Lois is the fact that nobody grows up, really. Trixie is still a baby after a few decades (the strip has been around since the 1950s) and there she still is in her high chair talking to the sun. Dawg has probably been around for about 50 years, which puts him at about 350 years old in dog. Hi and Lois is wholesome and nutritious but still has an edge to it with the lazy alcoholic neighbor “Thirsty” Thurston, although he is seldom referred to as “Thirsty” anymore in this PC age. Every paper that carries Hi and Lois needs to also have Beetle Bailey, who happens to be Lois’ brother.

Jump Start – yes. Funny, funny strip. Love the cops, particularly Joe’s police partner Crunchy. Love Marcy. Love the football players. But I could do less with the kids. Robb Armstrong’s humorous take on Black History Month every February is entertaining and sometimes educational. He even had me reading about Sojourner Truth after she was mentioned in one strip.

Kid City – no. Kids that read the funnies go for the humor, not for a science class. Nobody reads this comic. Nobody.

Ziggy – maybe. I don’t read Ziggy anymore, but some people probably do. He is chuckle-funny every now and then, but I consider Ziggy a couple of notches removed from Love is…. and a victim of his own success.

Bizarro – no. Not funny. Was funny at one time, but no longer. Dan Piraro’s drawings don’t really “sell” the story for me.

Mutts – yes. Mutts is a throwback strip with very simple drawings. No plot, no story, just a set up and a punch line. Mutts is usually funny and at least worth a chuckle with simple drawings that sell the punch line. The influence of Herriman’s Krazy Kat cartoons from the early 20th century is evident in cartoonist Patrick McDonnell’s quirky little strip.

Pearls Before Swine – on probation. When this strip first appeared in the Statesman, it relied on simple set ups, with very corny puns. Coupled by the stick-like characters it made for a very funny strip. The added cynicism of Rat made it almost irresistible. However, Steve Pastis has either run out of ideas or gotten some bad advice as he has drawn himself into a corner with story lines that often run out of steam. The crocodiles, whose broken English is sometimes hard to follow, are wearing thin. Pastis should go back to his original simple and funny formula.

Wizard of Id – yes. In the same category as B.C. and Blondie, the Wizard has a half dozen situations that are consistently re-written in a fresh and funny way. The hirsute prisoner “Spook” being stretched on a rack? That’s funny. The King addressing the rabble on tax increases? Funny. Sir Rodney and his nose in battle? Funny. The alcoholic Bung? Funny. Funny.
Foxtrot – no. But Foxtrot is somewhat off the hook on this one because cartoonist Bill Amend is threatening semi-retirement and plans to do a Sunday-only strip. This may be an improvement because right now his work seems to be stretched thin with boring story lines, characters that you cannot tell apart, poor drawings, and unfunny punch lines. This feature has become a chore to read.

Rose is Rose – no. Pasquale drives me nuts. Rose and her motorcycle leather-clad alter ego don’t make me laugh. Plus the drawings are sometimes hard to figure out.

Over the Hedge – no. This falls into the same category as Get Fuzzy (see below) in which there is too much to read and too little pay off in the way of a punch line. I have tried unsuccessfully to understand the relationship between the characters in this strip but their characterization has never been strongly established (contrast with Blondie in which the characters are strong and consistent).

Hagar the Horrible – yes. Hagar is not as good as it once was when Dik Browne originated this strip in 1973. However, his son Chris has done a tremendous job since taking over solo in 1988 by remaining faithful to the original drawings and characters in this great strip. Hagar has not jumped the shark, Honi is still single and Hagar is still a loveable slob.

Zits – yes. Since my seventeen year old son is a virtual clone of Jeremy Duncan, the star of this family-oriented strip, Zits makes me laugh again and again. Scott and Borgmans drawings are fantastic and Scott, who also co-authors Baby Blues (above), has a simple and funny writing style.

Luann – yes. A personal favorite of mine since she first appeared 25 years ago, this strip continues to make me laugh with fresh new story lines every month or so and a cast of very realistic characters. I like the way Luann’s author Greg Evans draws this strip, particularly when the characters are eating or drinking. Excellent characters like Luann and her brother Brad, Crystal, the elusive Aaron Hill, Tiffany aka Sheraton St. Louis (pictured at right) make this one of the best story line strips in the paper.

Peanuts – yes. No question. Like Mozart, you never tire of Peanuts and reading the strips again and again is a pleasure.

One Big Happy – yes. This is a good little feature, but suffers from the reduced size format it gets in the Statesman. Ruthie, the creation of cartoonist and humorist Rick Detorie, is a bit off-center and makes statements out of the children-say-the-darndest-things school of humor. I hope she doesn’t grow up.

Non Sequitor – on probation. One-panel funnies have to sell a set up and a punch line with a quick one-two punch delivered in a matter of seconds and Non Sequitor delivers in this medium with good writing and interesting drawings. When writer and illustrator Wiley Miller go to the multi-panel format, squeezed into the same space as the one panel version, it falls flat. The characters are hard to distinguish from one another, and main character Danae Pyle does not engage me at all.

F-Minus – yes. The space once occupied by Boondocks whose creator Aaron McGruder retired from the daily funnies business to do TV and film, left big shoes to fill for Tony Carillo, the artist behind F Minus. Carillo got syndicated after winning the mtvU strips contest for fledgling cartoonists. Although his drawings leave a lot to be desired (perhaps he will improve with age much like Doonesbury’s Trudeau) his punch lines are quirky and funny. Still, I’d rather still be reading about Huey Freeman and Grandad.

Get Fuzzy – no. I have been reading this strip off and on for several years and I always get the feeling that I am walking in on someone else’s conversation. I never quite pick up the thread. All of this is despite the excellent drawings by Darby Conley. The characters, however, are not convincing and I sometimes have a problem distinguishing between Bucky (cat) and Fungo (ferret).

A Fish Story

Off Cabo San Lucas
Sometime in 2003

I woke up to 6-8 foot swells on what before was placid water in the Mar de Cortez. We must have moved to the Pacific side. Everything in El Budster that wasn' t secured was flying around the cabin. Bottle caps, hooks, lures, sun block, hats, peanuts, sunglasses all leaped off table tops and floated around the cabin like a scene from a spacecraft.
Armando, the first mate, was scrambling down the ladder from the bridge so I knew something was up. There had been no action, nothing, for 2 hours. He throws a line over the side with an 8" live mullet on a big hook. After a pause of about 3-4 minutes he then goes into a FRENZY to set the hook. This was the same pattern as before with the shark that Scott caught, so I figured something medium sized. I get up and go sit in the fighting chair expecting to start reeling in the goddamn dorado that I had in my mind’s eye. Some nice food fish to bring back to Austin and cook up and impress family and friends. So Armando gives me the rod and starts yelling in my ear: REEL REEL REEL. The captain is up on the bridge and he is yelling too, DONT GIVE ANY SLACK, REEL REEL REEL.
Don’t give any slack? Why is he yelling this? I know what to do. What slack? There was NO slack in the line, in fact I was doing everything to keep from getting pulled in. So I reeled, but it was hard. It took me a minute to do one revolution of the reel. Like I had hooked an underwater cable or something.
REEL REEL REEL.
The boat is pitching, and turning. My two buddies, Scott and James, are now out of sight and mind. I hear one of them fall over some stuff in the cabin as the boat keeps pitching (remember the 6-8 foot seas?). He swears.
Then, about a seven-iron shot from the boat, up it jumps. A big bill-fish. I can’t believe that that fish, so far away, is what I have on my line. And it's a marlin, no doubt about it. This was the last thing I expected to catch. So now I’m Hemingway……
Armando shouts in my ear, bringing me back from Key West: REEL REEL REEL. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. More waves are hitting the side of the boat, pitching the boat hard. So I reeled. Then the fish took some line out. STOP STOP DONT REEL (I knew that, but I was so excited, I was reeling against the drag, grinding the gears on the reel). More reeling, and then the fight. Pull back on the rod (about a 5’ trolling rod, with a Penn 550 reel, 80 lb test), and reel it down. Pull back and reel down. Puuuuulll back and reeeeel it down. Puuuuulll back and reeeel it down. I am turning the handle maybe two revolutions tops, on each one of these pumps, which brings the fish in maybe three yards each time. I am exhausted. My arms are really tired and aching. I can hardly turn the handle. Despite all the excitement and the beauty of this moment, my mind is wandering.

The engine noise is loud, then growls low as the captain maneuvers the boat. (“Relax,” he yells above the engine noise, “this usually takes an hour or an hour and a half.”). Great, I'm all in at this point ready to give up and now I find out I have another hour to go. There is something burning in the pit of my stomach, I ignore it.
Then the fish runs AGAIN. And he runs like a sonofabitch and the reel is furious, and the line is tailing off hundreds of feet in a matter of seconds. Thank God, I think, because now I can relax my left arm which is cramping up and I am in danger of giving up the fight. The fish stops his run.
REEL REEL,REEL,REEL and pullllllll and reel down. More of this action and I bring the fish back to the boat by degrees. About 20 minutes later we see the fish in the water, about 15 yards off the stern. I can’t believe it. He is beautiful, a flash of silver and blue just beneath the surface and then breaching the dark blue of the Pacific water. I can look right into his eye. But he sees us too and dives. Line is screaming off the reel now. Water is spraying off the line, giving the impression is that the line is on fire and it’s smoking. There is heat coming off from the reel due to the friction and I think of Quint in Jaws when he makes Chief Brodie ladle water on his reel to keep it cool.
When the line stops, I start to try to reel again. It feels like a 20 ton rock on the end of the line because I am getting nowhere. Suddenly everybody is yelling. REEL REEL REEL. Fight Fight Fight. Puuuuuull and reeeel. Puuuuull and reeeel. This is critical because any slack and the fish will lose the hook. My mind is trying to concentrate. I am fighting with all my might to stay in the game with this fish (I have nearly quit twice already) and keep my mind from wandering (will I want a plain Pacifico or a michelada when I get back to the hotel?). The captain guns the engine and the boat backs up a bit to give me leverage to pull the fish back in (the captain has been working the boat all over the place to give me an angle). An 8 foot wave comes at us and the boat goes at it as I gird myself in anticipation of a violent collision. We hit the wave, stern first. BAM, like a giant explosion. The wave crashes over me, Armando, my two buddies, and floods the cabin. We are briefly standing in a foot of water before it drains back to the sea. Again I think of Captain Brodie in Jaws after he sees the great white shark for the first time. "We're gonna need a bigger boat," he says. (NO TE PREOCUPES AMIGO, DESPUES NOS BANAMOS Armando yells in my ear.)
I am now reeling, and fighting, reeling and fighting. We can see the fish again. Another wave comes over the boat. Everyone is soaked. Everything is pitching back and forth, tackle, beer bottles, and candy wrappers are flying around the cabin. Lots of yelling from everybody. I stand up and work the damn fish close to the boat. I'm tired, he's tired. We pull it up adjacent to us. What a magnificent creature: sleek, wet, and silver. Built for speed and power. I weakly hold out the sail, while the mate holds him by the bill. Photo.
The Captain asks if I want to keep him. I chose to release him, let him fight another day and give someone else a thrill they won’t forget. It's the least I can do for the amount of pleasure and excitement he gave me. I will remember him for the rest of my life. So, we let him go, and hoist the red flag with a "T" signifying catch-and-released marlin.

Hand shakes and congratulations all around. We see two more marlin on the surface a little later that day. My other fishing buddies failed to keep them on the line (we hooked both). Also saw a couple of whales earlier in the day......

Calling for a NATIONAL BOYCOTT

Please people, join me in this. I am proposing a national boycott of any company, service, or product that uses The Twelve Days of Christmas in its advertising. Any car dealer (six brand new Celicas), any restaurant (four golden eggs), any resort (5 swimming pools), ANYBODY. Do you hear me??? I've had enough.

OKAY, I am adding to this any product pitched with a Santa-Clausian voice. Ho-ho-ho come down our chimney for big savings..... Rubbish

Don't Tell Me Your From Austin

New rule.... you can't say your from Austin if you live in: Manor, Cedar Park, Roundrock, Georgetown, Sun City, Kyle, Buda. Admissible is Westlake and Pflugerville.

Recently my fishing partner & I were in Port Aransas and during the course of our weekend we met other people there and TWO conversations went like this:

THEM: You down here fishin'
US: Yes, goin' out tomorrow
THEM: Where y'all from
US: Austin
THEM: We are too!!
US: We are from South Austin, how about you
THEM: Oh, we're from Roundrock.

Please. You don't pay taxes in Austin, you probably don't like us because we are too liberal and we actually have something that approaches an urban culture, and we have nothing in common!!! You might as well say you're from Frisco or Plano. I've had it. Next time someone tells me that they are from Austin and they're not, I'm calling them on it. I don't care if I meet them on the Great Wall (that's in China), you can't say you're from Austin. Wannabees!

Recently I was honored

Check out this letter I got from the International Society of Poets (I submitted a piece of drivel for "consideration"). This is the abridged version:

Dear David,

It's something we don't often do, but after reading and discussing your poetry, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Poetryhas nominated you for membership in the most exciting poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets! After reading your poetry, our Board of Trustees wholeheartedly agrees to award you with a freeAssociate Membership in our society. As Chairman, I want to personally welcome you as an Associate Member and discuss with you the benefits of Permanent Membership. David, I know that after hearing what we're all about, you will join us as a member of our society--the International Society of Poets!

You'll even have the opportunity to meet and share your poetry with other members. As a member, I will extend a personal invitation to our yearly convention, which is world-renowned for bringing together poets of all ages and nationalities who share a common love of poetry. These exciting, fun, and educational events are full of camaraderie, warm friendship, and mutual admiration for our poetic endeavors.The poetic event of the year! As an advance notice, we arethrilled to inform you that our 2006 convention will take place July 20-23, 2006 at the famed Riviera Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Your societywill look to you for your unique perspective as expressed through your poetry. I'm sure we'll soon be seeing you and your poetry featured in Poetry Today.

Sincerely,
Steven J. Michaels
Chairman, Board of Trustees
International Society of Poets

P.S. David, we only accept a limited number of members each year and by accepting your invitation now, your benefits will begin immediately and you will promptly receive your membership items through themail. Most importantly, we will welcome you as a member of the largest poetry organization in theworld--the International Society of Poets.

TO WHICH I SENT THE FOLLOWING REPLY


Dear Mr. Michaels:

Thank you for the opportunity you have given me to join your fine organization. I am honored to be given a prestigious Associate Membership in the Society. Sadly, however, I must decline.I have given up poetry in favor of my true calling: performance art.

It is through ad lib expression of my inner self that I have come to achieve full self-realization and provide a thing of beauty to those around me. My performance art career is in its infancy, but I know that with the support of fine sponsor organizations like yours I will be able to leave a legacy of artistic expression. As a fellow artist, I am sure you will be eager to enter into a partnership with me for the betterment of mankind.

Only $250,000 will secure the International Poetry Society in the hearts and minds of all art lovers world wide.Please let me know of your intent to participate as my partner in this adventure by return email. Act quickly as other organizations have expressed an interest as well.

Sincerely
flynn


I WILL PUBLISH THEIR REPLY IF IT IS ANY GOOD

Clemens the Post Season Choke Artist

October 24, 2005 9: 10 a.m. ET
WSNBC.COM
The Case against Roger Clemens (Keith Olbermann)
NEW YORK - Roger Clemens is Day-to-Day.
We’re all Day-to-Day. Certainly the Astros are.
I apologize - in making my World Series forecast (White Sox, possibly in a sweep, and it seems to me I mentioned how Phil Garner should’ve used Brad Lidge in the last game against the Cardinals and not waited to see if he’d give up another game-losing homer in his next appearance, in the Series) - I forgot to mention here what I believe I noted on the radio or at least an interview or two, namely the ultimate effect of the Albert Pujols home run - that it would force Roy Oswalt to pitch again in the series against St. Louis and force the Astros to instead open with Clemens in Chicago.
That was particularly relevant because, as I did predict elsewhere, it meant that something would cause Roger Clemens to bail out of Game One.
You protest, in controlled agony. “Roger Clemens is one of the greatest pitchers of all time!” I giggle. “He is 12-and-7 lifetime in the post-season.” I laugh. “He is undefeated over the course of six different World Series!” I do a spit-take.
Saturday’s “hamstring pull” and the resultant exit after 54 pitches should’ve been predictable to the degree that the odds among the exotic wagerers of Vegas should not have exceeded 3:1 against.
Here is the nasty truth. After Saturday night, Roger Clemens has now made 33 post-season starts in the last two decades (an admittedly remarkable achievement). His team has lost 17 of them.
In the post-season, he is a sub-.500 starter.
To be fair, Saturday’s loss only brought his team’s record with him pitching down to .500 (4-4).
But behind the simple numbers, he has an unfortunate resume of either coughing up leads his mates have given him (eight different games so far - in one of which in 2002 he blew three separate leads), or getting out of the game prematurely or controversially, or all of the above. If the Astros live to a Game Five and Clemens is healthy, they should just say “no, thanks.”
Let’s start by acknowledging that you didn’t imagine his occasional brilliance in the post-season. The Rocket pitched a five-hit 3-0 shutout into the 9th in his first short-rest start ever (against the Angels in Game Four of the 1986 ALCS, then he and Calvin Schiraldi blew it). He pitched seven particularly fine post-season games for the Yankees (most notably the 1999 World Series clincher, just two days after a shouting match with a fan outside the players’ entrance at Yankee Stadium, and his 15-strikeout and 9-strikeout performances against the Mariners and Mets in 2000). And the relief effort against the Braves in this year’s Division Series - though it is of course not considered one of his starts - was an impressive three-inning performance.
On the other hand, though the quick exit, stage right against the White Sox was quick, it was hardly atypical. How many “great” pitchers carry the baggage of six controversies or injuries?
1. 1990 ALCS Game Four at Oakland. The A’s have already scored a run off him in the 2nd inning when Clemens puts two men on - the second, by walking Willie Randolph. He then begins to shout loudly. “I thought Roger was swearing at me,” said A’s batter Mike Gallego. In fact, he’s swearing at home plate umpire Terry Cooney - and if his post-game denial that he remembers any of it is correct, he may be doing so in a trance-like state. Cooney ejects Clemens, who makes contact with at least two other umpires during the subsequent argument. The A’s score both runners, the Red Sox lose 3-1 and are swept.
2. 1999 ALCS Game Two at Boston. Red Sox fans - mistakenly believing Clemens jilted them to go to Toronto as a free agent when the move was largely the fault of Boston management - serenade the now-Yankee with a sing-song of “Rahh-jer, Rahh-jer.” Rahjer gives up five in the 1st (I was there, and I still don’t believe I saw Jose Offerman triple off him, and John Valentin homer off him), and lasts only through the first batter of the third inning. The Yankees lose 13-1 (their only post-season loss that year). I was the dugout reporter during that game and none of my Yankee contacts would say a thing about why Clemens came out, until, in the seventh inning, David Cone finally explains: “he said he had bad back.” To this point, the record of Clemens’ team in his eleven post-season starts is 3-and-8.
3. 2000 World Series Game Two at Yankee Stadium. Clemens is stunning - striking out nine Mets and giving them just two hits over eight innings. But if it had been Terry Cooney umpiring the plate and not Charlie Relaford (or as Clemens would quaintly call him, afterwards, “Umpire Charlie”), Clemens could’ve easily been ejected again - early. This is the game in which he throws the piece of Mike Piazza’s shattered bat more or less in Piazza’s general direction. Again I’m the Yankee dugout reporter for this game, and coach Lee Mazzilli offers the following explanation for the incident: “I can’t even imagine why he did that.”
4. 2001 ALDS Game One at Yankee Stadium. Clemens gives up solo runs to Oakland in the1st and 4th. Pitching to the first hitter in 5th, he begins twitching. Joe Torre comes to the mound. Clemens, it turns out, has pulled a hamstring. Yanks lose 5-3.
5. 2003 ALCS Game Seven at New York. Clemens is battered by the Red Sox for six hits and four runs in three innings, leaves the most important game of the season down 4-0. The crash will be obscured by the unlikely relief pitching of Mike Mussina and the even more-unlikely pennant-winning home run of Bret Boone.
6. 2005 World Series Game One at Chicago. Clemens has no control, is lucky to give up just three runs and four hits in his 54-pitch labor over two innings. He walks easily off the field after the second inning, but when he reaches the dugout steps, he begins to limp spectacularly. He has pulled another hamstring.
And just so you don’t think I’m making that stat up - eight blown leads - here they are, too. This is, in short, not Christy Mathewson or Bob Gibson. This is a guy with a post-season record slightly less impressive than that of his journeyman teammate Russ Springer.
1. 1986 World Series Game Six at New York. The Red Sox give him a 2-0 lead, but Clemens gives it back. Boston scores again, and he leaves after seven, leading ahead 3-2. Then Schiraldi, Bob Stanley, and Bill Buckner happen.
2. 1988 ALCS Game Two at Boston. Given another 2-0 lead, Clemens surrenders a two-run homer by Jose Canseco and a Mark McGwire RBI in the 7th, and the Red Sox lose 4-3.
3. 1995 ALDS Game One at Cleveland. Again, it’s 2-0 Boston, but the Indians, paced by an Albert Belle double, score three off him in 6th. After Clemens leaves, the Red Sox rally to tie, only to lose on Tony Pena’s homer in the 13th.
4. 2000 ALDS Game One at Oakland. Clemens is given another 2-0 lead by Yankees, gives it back in fifth. The A’s score their lead run on his wild pitch, and add another in the sixth. The Yanks lose 5-3.
5. 2002 ALDS Game One at New York. Against the Angels, Clemens blows a 1-0 lead, then a 3-1 lead, then a 4-3 lead. They have rallied to tie it again as he leaves after the 7th, and ultimately win without him, 8-5.
6. 2004 NLCS Game Seven at St. Louis. The Astros give Clemens another 2-0 lead. He gives one back in the third, then an RBI double to Pujols and a two-run homer to Scott Rolen in the 6th. The Cardinals eliminate the Astros 5-2.
7. 2005 NLDS Game Two at Atlanta. Clemens is given a 1-0 lead; gives up five earned in five including three-run homer to rookie Brian McCann. Astros lose 7-1.
8. 2005 NLCS Game Three at Houston. Clemens is given yet another 2-0 lead, gives it back. As he is pinch hit for in 6th, the Astros rally for two more and he gets credit for the 4-3 victory over St. Louis. His teams have now managed to win exactly half of his post-season starts - and two of the eight games in which he’s coughed up leads.

Receipts

You know for someone who gets irked as often as I do by the slightest thing in our 21st Century world, you think I would be posting to this blog more often. I'll try.

The latest thing to grind my gears is the proliferation of sales receipts. Do we need these things? You get them everywhere, I mean everywhere. Go to 7-11, get a banana and the paper, there's a receipt. Go to Taco Cabana, get a taco and a beer, there's a receipt. Put gas in your car, there's a receipt. Watch the cashier become indignant if you say "I don't want it" and thereby making his life miserable because he has to throw it out. They can't understand why you don't want to walk out of the store with a piece of paper that certifies that you paid $1.07 for a bottle of water. Maybe someday there will be receipt police standing outside the door demanding proof that you bought the water and didn't steal it.

Somewhere on this planet there are people who probably save these in chronological order somewhere. Why do that when in about 3 months the printing turns to invisible ink and they are totally illegible? The rest of us are just putting ours into the landfill along with the millions of plastic bags you get everywhere: 7-11, WalMart, etc.

What I have also noticed is that at restaurants if you charge your meal it isn't a simple matter of a receipt, what you get is paperwork. I remember an innocent time when you gave them your card, they ran it through a manual crimping device to emboss a three-ply carbonless form (I remember the carbon ones too, but lets not go there), you signed it and tore the yellow copy off for yourself (white to card company, goldenrod to merchant [what the hell is a goldenrod anyway, a flower?]), and folded up the copy for your records. This was a document, my friends. The size of an envelope. Paper with weight. Easily kept if need be. Not one of these flimsy dissappearing ink deals. And, getting back to the matter of paperwork, what is with the three separate receipts they give you, and no more carbonless convenience either. This means you write down the tip and total and then sign one for the restaurant, then if you need a copy you have to write down the tip and total on another copy. Isn't this repetitive? Then the other receipt? What do you do with that? It's itemized. It has the name of the waitress (Brandi.... with a happy face dot over the "i"). Who gets this? And whatever became of the goldenrod company. Are there millions of goldenrod manufacturers out of business now?

Life goes on.

Automobile Kinship

Ever wonder why, after you bought a new car, that you feel some sort of kinship with other owners of the same brand? And ever wonder why, after about six weeks, that feeling goes away?

South by ....?

I've noticed the tendency of some radio folks to call South by Southwest just "South by." Is anyone as annoyed as I am? Please, how long does it take to add the word southwest? South by. IDIOTS!

Catchphrases

I have noticed the proliferation of new catch phrases lately, most of which are very annoying. Good to go, however, I love. I first heard this expression in the song Beer, Bait, and Ammo by Sammy Kershaw and hear it now and again throughout the South. Just the other day, I saw a 20 minute oil change place called Good to Go! That is a great adaptation of the phrase, I just hope they didn’t slap a ™ on it because that would really irritate me.

Now the one that is really chapping my ass so to speak is no problem. This comes in several irritating versions including….

Me: Could I get my check please?
Waiter: No problem.
Me (to myself): Why should it be a problem? I ordered, I ate, I pay. Would I expect there to be a problem?

Me: Could I have some ground pepper with my salad please?
Waitress: (begrudgingly): No problem.
Me (to myself): Did I offend her? Why did she say no problem and make it sound like it WAS a problem? Does this distract her from her other duties which are not pepper-related?

See where I’m going with this issue? Watch. After reading this, you’ll hear it everywhere.

Then there is whatever which I have come to learn means that the person saying it has lost the argument, thinks you are right, but will not admit to it.

Me: The sky is blue.
Waiter: Whatever.