The problem with pepper

I am a pepper lover. I like pepper. Scads of it. I love pepper on scrambled eggs, so much pepper that the yellow of the egg is hardly visible through the layer of black malabar. So as long-time pepper lover I can tell you that the problem with pepper in restaurants today is that they seldom have it right.

• Problem I: Overzealousness on the part of the busboy who fills the pepper and salt shakers. If you fill a salt shaker to the brim, it will still deliver the product when you turn it over and shake. However, if you fill a pepper shaker to the brim it will NOT deliver the product when you turn it over and shake. This is because pepper is slightly more granular and less consistent in shape and size than salt, so pepper requires a little room to dance around before it can fit through the holes.

• Problem II: Size of pepper granules relative to the size of the holes of the pepper shaker. This is a common problem to which I have found that the only resolution is to remove the pepper shaker top and then spread the pepper directly from the open shaker. This has more than once put my dining companion ill at ease. This is also a common problem in Italian pizzerias with the red pepper flakes that are stored in glass shakers whose metal tops have holes far too small to dispense the red pepper flakes.
  Problem III: The freshly ground pepper. This is a routine that used to be carried out with flare and some restaurants make a big deal about it. Macaroni Grill, for example. But what usually happens is that you ask for fresh pepper and then your food turns stone cold while you wait for the waiter to bring the pepper mill to the table. Or, the embarrassment of sitting there waiting for the waitress to finish milling the pepper to your taste (remember I like a lot of pepper). I have to say that the best alternative is to provide me with the tool, and let me do my own grinding. But for God's sake make sure there are peppercorns in the mill!

A word about pepper packets. Well, several words about pepper packets. They never have enough pepper in them and it's damned embarrassing to rip open 20 packets just for one scrambled egg. Lets see, 20 packets time 10 grains of pepper per packet...... The salt packets have much more salt in them. Do people use that much more salt than they do pepper? If so, this may be a clue to the nation's health problems.