A Fish Story

Off Cabo San Lucas
Sometime in 2003

I woke up to 6-8 foot swells on what before was placid water in the Mar de Cortez. We must have moved to the Pacific side. Everything in El Budster that wasn' t secured was flying around the cabin. Bottle caps, hooks, lures, sun block, hats, peanuts, sunglasses all leaped off table tops and floated around the cabin like a scene from a spacecraft.
Armando, the first mate, was scrambling down the ladder from the bridge so I knew something was up. There had been no action, nothing, for 2 hours. He throws a line over the side with an 8" live mullet on a big hook. After a pause of about 3-4 minutes he then goes into a FRENZY to set the hook. This was the same pattern as before with the shark that Scott caught, so I figured something medium sized. I get up and go sit in the fighting chair expecting to start reeling in the goddamn dorado that I had in my mind’s eye. Some nice food fish to bring back to Austin and cook up and impress family and friends. So Armando gives me the rod and starts yelling in my ear: REEL REEL REEL. The captain is up on the bridge and he is yelling too, DONT GIVE ANY SLACK, REEL REEL REEL.
Don’t give any slack? Why is he yelling this? I know what to do. What slack? There was NO slack in the line, in fact I was doing everything to keep from getting pulled in. So I reeled, but it was hard. It took me a minute to do one revolution of the reel. Like I had hooked an underwater cable or something.
REEL REEL REEL.
The boat is pitching, and turning. My two buddies, Scott and James, are now out of sight and mind. I hear one of them fall over some stuff in the cabin as the boat keeps pitching (remember the 6-8 foot seas?). He swears.
Then, about a seven-iron shot from the boat, up it jumps. A big bill-fish. I can’t believe that that fish, so far away, is what I have on my line. And it's a marlin, no doubt about it. This was the last thing I expected to catch. So now I’m Hemingway……
Armando shouts in my ear, bringing me back from Key West: REEL REEL REEL. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. More waves are hitting the side of the boat, pitching the boat hard. So I reeled. Then the fish took some line out. STOP STOP DONT REEL (I knew that, but I was so excited, I was reeling against the drag, grinding the gears on the reel). More reeling, and then the fight. Pull back on the rod (about a 5’ trolling rod, with a Penn 550 reel, 80 lb test), and reel it down. Pull back and reel down. Puuuuulll back and reeeeel it down. Puuuuulll back and reeeel it down. I am turning the handle maybe two revolutions tops, on each one of these pumps, which brings the fish in maybe three yards each time. I am exhausted. My arms are really tired and aching. I can hardly turn the handle. Despite all the excitement and the beauty of this moment, my mind is wandering.

The engine noise is loud, then growls low as the captain maneuvers the boat. (“Relax,” he yells above the engine noise, “this usually takes an hour or an hour and a half.”). Great, I'm all in at this point ready to give up and now I find out I have another hour to go. There is something burning in the pit of my stomach, I ignore it.
Then the fish runs AGAIN. And he runs like a sonofabitch and the reel is furious, and the line is tailing off hundreds of feet in a matter of seconds. Thank God, I think, because now I can relax my left arm which is cramping up and I am in danger of giving up the fight. The fish stops his run.
REEL REEL,REEL,REEL and pullllllll and reel down. More of this action and I bring the fish back to the boat by degrees. About 20 minutes later we see the fish in the water, about 15 yards off the stern. I can’t believe it. He is beautiful, a flash of silver and blue just beneath the surface and then breaching the dark blue of the Pacific water. I can look right into his eye. But he sees us too and dives. Line is screaming off the reel now. Water is spraying off the line, giving the impression is that the line is on fire and it’s smoking. There is heat coming off from the reel due to the friction and I think of Quint in Jaws when he makes Chief Brodie ladle water on his reel to keep it cool.
When the line stops, I start to try to reel again. It feels like a 20 ton rock on the end of the line because I am getting nowhere. Suddenly everybody is yelling. REEL REEL REEL. Fight Fight Fight. Puuuuuull and reeeel. Puuuuull and reeeel. This is critical because any slack and the fish will lose the hook. My mind is trying to concentrate. I am fighting with all my might to stay in the game with this fish (I have nearly quit twice already) and keep my mind from wandering (will I want a plain Pacifico or a michelada when I get back to the hotel?). The captain guns the engine and the boat backs up a bit to give me leverage to pull the fish back in (the captain has been working the boat all over the place to give me an angle). An 8 foot wave comes at us and the boat goes at it as I gird myself in anticipation of a violent collision. We hit the wave, stern first. BAM, like a giant explosion. The wave crashes over me, Armando, my two buddies, and floods the cabin. We are briefly standing in a foot of water before it drains back to the sea. Again I think of Captain Brodie in Jaws after he sees the great white shark for the first time. "We're gonna need a bigger boat," he says. (NO TE PREOCUPES AMIGO, DESPUES NOS BANAMOS Armando yells in my ear.)
I am now reeling, and fighting, reeling and fighting. We can see the fish again. Another wave comes over the boat. Everyone is soaked. Everything is pitching back and forth, tackle, beer bottles, and candy wrappers are flying around the cabin. Lots of yelling from everybody. I stand up and work the damn fish close to the boat. I'm tired, he's tired. We pull it up adjacent to us. What a magnificent creature: sleek, wet, and silver. Built for speed and power. I weakly hold out the sail, while the mate holds him by the bill. Photo.
The Captain asks if I want to keep him. I chose to release him, let him fight another day and give someone else a thrill they won’t forget. It's the least I can do for the amount of pleasure and excitement he gave me. I will remember him for the rest of my life. So, we let him go, and hoist the red flag with a "T" signifying catch-and-released marlin.

Hand shakes and congratulations all around. We see two more marlin on the surface a little later that day. My other fishing buddies failed to keep them on the line (we hooked both). Also saw a couple of whales earlier in the day......

Calling for a NATIONAL BOYCOTT

Please people, join me in this. I am proposing a national boycott of any company, service, or product that uses The Twelve Days of Christmas in its advertising. Any car dealer (six brand new Celicas), any restaurant (four golden eggs), any resort (5 swimming pools), ANYBODY. Do you hear me??? I've had enough.

OKAY, I am adding to this any product pitched with a Santa-Clausian voice. Ho-ho-ho come down our chimney for big savings..... Rubbish

Don't Tell Me Your From Austin

New rule.... you can't say your from Austin if you live in: Manor, Cedar Park, Roundrock, Georgetown, Sun City, Kyle, Buda. Admissible is Westlake and Pflugerville.

Recently my fishing partner & I were in Port Aransas and during the course of our weekend we met other people there and TWO conversations went like this:

THEM: You down here fishin'
US: Yes, goin' out tomorrow
THEM: Where y'all from
US: Austin
THEM: We are too!!
US: We are from South Austin, how about you
THEM: Oh, we're from Roundrock.

Please. You don't pay taxes in Austin, you probably don't like us because we are too liberal and we actually have something that approaches an urban culture, and we have nothing in common!!! You might as well say you're from Frisco or Plano. I've had it. Next time someone tells me that they are from Austin and they're not, I'm calling them on it. I don't care if I meet them on the Great Wall (that's in China), you can't say you're from Austin. Wannabees!

Recently I was honored

Check out this letter I got from the International Society of Poets (I submitted a piece of drivel for "consideration"). This is the abridged version:

Dear David,

It's something we don't often do, but after reading and discussing your poetry, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Poetryhas nominated you for membership in the most exciting poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets! After reading your poetry, our Board of Trustees wholeheartedly agrees to award you with a freeAssociate Membership in our society. As Chairman, I want to personally welcome you as an Associate Member and discuss with you the benefits of Permanent Membership. David, I know that after hearing what we're all about, you will join us as a member of our society--the International Society of Poets!

You'll even have the opportunity to meet and share your poetry with other members. As a member, I will extend a personal invitation to our yearly convention, which is world-renowned for bringing together poets of all ages and nationalities who share a common love of poetry. These exciting, fun, and educational events are full of camaraderie, warm friendship, and mutual admiration for our poetic endeavors.The poetic event of the year! As an advance notice, we arethrilled to inform you that our 2006 convention will take place July 20-23, 2006 at the famed Riviera Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Your societywill look to you for your unique perspective as expressed through your poetry. I'm sure we'll soon be seeing you and your poetry featured in Poetry Today.

Sincerely,
Steven J. Michaels
Chairman, Board of Trustees
International Society of Poets

P.S. David, we only accept a limited number of members each year and by accepting your invitation now, your benefits will begin immediately and you will promptly receive your membership items through themail. Most importantly, we will welcome you as a member of the largest poetry organization in theworld--the International Society of Poets.

TO WHICH I SENT THE FOLLOWING REPLY


Dear Mr. Michaels:

Thank you for the opportunity you have given me to join your fine organization. I am honored to be given a prestigious Associate Membership in the Society. Sadly, however, I must decline.I have given up poetry in favor of my true calling: performance art.

It is through ad lib expression of my inner self that I have come to achieve full self-realization and provide a thing of beauty to those around me. My performance art career is in its infancy, but I know that with the support of fine sponsor organizations like yours I will be able to leave a legacy of artistic expression. As a fellow artist, I am sure you will be eager to enter into a partnership with me for the betterment of mankind.

Only $250,000 will secure the International Poetry Society in the hearts and minds of all art lovers world wide.Please let me know of your intent to participate as my partner in this adventure by return email. Act quickly as other organizations have expressed an interest as well.

Sincerely
flynn


I WILL PUBLISH THEIR REPLY IF IT IS ANY GOOD

Clemens the Post Season Choke Artist

October 24, 2005 9: 10 a.m. ET
WSNBC.COM
The Case against Roger Clemens (Keith Olbermann)
NEW YORK - Roger Clemens is Day-to-Day.
We’re all Day-to-Day. Certainly the Astros are.
I apologize - in making my World Series forecast (White Sox, possibly in a sweep, and it seems to me I mentioned how Phil Garner should’ve used Brad Lidge in the last game against the Cardinals and not waited to see if he’d give up another game-losing homer in his next appearance, in the Series) - I forgot to mention here what I believe I noted on the radio or at least an interview or two, namely the ultimate effect of the Albert Pujols home run - that it would force Roy Oswalt to pitch again in the series against St. Louis and force the Astros to instead open with Clemens in Chicago.
That was particularly relevant because, as I did predict elsewhere, it meant that something would cause Roger Clemens to bail out of Game One.
You protest, in controlled agony. “Roger Clemens is one of the greatest pitchers of all time!” I giggle. “He is 12-and-7 lifetime in the post-season.” I laugh. “He is undefeated over the course of six different World Series!” I do a spit-take.
Saturday’s “hamstring pull” and the resultant exit after 54 pitches should’ve been predictable to the degree that the odds among the exotic wagerers of Vegas should not have exceeded 3:1 against.
Here is the nasty truth. After Saturday night, Roger Clemens has now made 33 post-season starts in the last two decades (an admittedly remarkable achievement). His team has lost 17 of them.
In the post-season, he is a sub-.500 starter.
To be fair, Saturday’s loss only brought his team’s record with him pitching down to .500 (4-4).
But behind the simple numbers, he has an unfortunate resume of either coughing up leads his mates have given him (eight different games so far - in one of which in 2002 he blew three separate leads), or getting out of the game prematurely or controversially, or all of the above. If the Astros live to a Game Five and Clemens is healthy, they should just say “no, thanks.”
Let’s start by acknowledging that you didn’t imagine his occasional brilliance in the post-season. The Rocket pitched a five-hit 3-0 shutout into the 9th in his first short-rest start ever (against the Angels in Game Four of the 1986 ALCS, then he and Calvin Schiraldi blew it). He pitched seven particularly fine post-season games for the Yankees (most notably the 1999 World Series clincher, just two days after a shouting match with a fan outside the players’ entrance at Yankee Stadium, and his 15-strikeout and 9-strikeout performances against the Mariners and Mets in 2000). And the relief effort against the Braves in this year’s Division Series - though it is of course not considered one of his starts - was an impressive three-inning performance.
On the other hand, though the quick exit, stage right against the White Sox was quick, it was hardly atypical. How many “great” pitchers carry the baggage of six controversies or injuries?
1. 1990 ALCS Game Four at Oakland. The A’s have already scored a run off him in the 2nd inning when Clemens puts two men on - the second, by walking Willie Randolph. He then begins to shout loudly. “I thought Roger was swearing at me,” said A’s batter Mike Gallego. In fact, he’s swearing at home plate umpire Terry Cooney - and if his post-game denial that he remembers any of it is correct, he may be doing so in a trance-like state. Cooney ejects Clemens, who makes contact with at least two other umpires during the subsequent argument. The A’s score both runners, the Red Sox lose 3-1 and are swept.
2. 1999 ALCS Game Two at Boston. Red Sox fans - mistakenly believing Clemens jilted them to go to Toronto as a free agent when the move was largely the fault of Boston management - serenade the now-Yankee with a sing-song of “Rahh-jer, Rahh-jer.” Rahjer gives up five in the 1st (I was there, and I still don’t believe I saw Jose Offerman triple off him, and John Valentin homer off him), and lasts only through the first batter of the third inning. The Yankees lose 13-1 (their only post-season loss that year). I was the dugout reporter during that game and none of my Yankee contacts would say a thing about why Clemens came out, until, in the seventh inning, David Cone finally explains: “he said he had bad back.” To this point, the record of Clemens’ team in his eleven post-season starts is 3-and-8.
3. 2000 World Series Game Two at Yankee Stadium. Clemens is stunning - striking out nine Mets and giving them just two hits over eight innings. But if it had been Terry Cooney umpiring the plate and not Charlie Relaford (or as Clemens would quaintly call him, afterwards, “Umpire Charlie”), Clemens could’ve easily been ejected again - early. This is the game in which he throws the piece of Mike Piazza’s shattered bat more or less in Piazza’s general direction. Again I’m the Yankee dugout reporter for this game, and coach Lee Mazzilli offers the following explanation for the incident: “I can’t even imagine why he did that.”
4. 2001 ALDS Game One at Yankee Stadium. Clemens gives up solo runs to Oakland in the1st and 4th. Pitching to the first hitter in 5th, he begins twitching. Joe Torre comes to the mound. Clemens, it turns out, has pulled a hamstring. Yanks lose 5-3.
5. 2003 ALCS Game Seven at New York. Clemens is battered by the Red Sox for six hits and four runs in three innings, leaves the most important game of the season down 4-0. The crash will be obscured by the unlikely relief pitching of Mike Mussina and the even more-unlikely pennant-winning home run of Bret Boone.
6. 2005 World Series Game One at Chicago. Clemens has no control, is lucky to give up just three runs and four hits in his 54-pitch labor over two innings. He walks easily off the field after the second inning, but when he reaches the dugout steps, he begins to limp spectacularly. He has pulled another hamstring.
And just so you don’t think I’m making that stat up - eight blown leads - here they are, too. This is, in short, not Christy Mathewson or Bob Gibson. This is a guy with a post-season record slightly less impressive than that of his journeyman teammate Russ Springer.
1. 1986 World Series Game Six at New York. The Red Sox give him a 2-0 lead, but Clemens gives it back. Boston scores again, and he leaves after seven, leading ahead 3-2. Then Schiraldi, Bob Stanley, and Bill Buckner happen.
2. 1988 ALCS Game Two at Boston. Given another 2-0 lead, Clemens surrenders a two-run homer by Jose Canseco and a Mark McGwire RBI in the 7th, and the Red Sox lose 4-3.
3. 1995 ALDS Game One at Cleveland. Again, it’s 2-0 Boston, but the Indians, paced by an Albert Belle double, score three off him in 6th. After Clemens leaves, the Red Sox rally to tie, only to lose on Tony Pena’s homer in the 13th.
4. 2000 ALDS Game One at Oakland. Clemens is given another 2-0 lead by Yankees, gives it back in fifth. The A’s score their lead run on his wild pitch, and add another in the sixth. The Yanks lose 5-3.
5. 2002 ALDS Game One at New York. Against the Angels, Clemens blows a 1-0 lead, then a 3-1 lead, then a 4-3 lead. They have rallied to tie it again as he leaves after the 7th, and ultimately win without him, 8-5.
6. 2004 NLCS Game Seven at St. Louis. The Astros give Clemens another 2-0 lead. He gives one back in the third, then an RBI double to Pujols and a two-run homer to Scott Rolen in the 6th. The Cardinals eliminate the Astros 5-2.
7. 2005 NLDS Game Two at Atlanta. Clemens is given a 1-0 lead; gives up five earned in five including three-run homer to rookie Brian McCann. Astros lose 7-1.
8. 2005 NLCS Game Three at Houston. Clemens is given yet another 2-0 lead, gives it back. As he is pinch hit for in 6th, the Astros rally for two more and he gets credit for the 4-3 victory over St. Louis. His teams have now managed to win exactly half of his post-season starts - and two of the eight games in which he’s coughed up leads.

Receipts

You know for someone who gets irked as often as I do by the slightest thing in our 21st Century world, you think I would be posting to this blog more often. I'll try.

The latest thing to grind my gears is the proliferation of sales receipts. Do we need these things? You get them everywhere, I mean everywhere. Go to 7-11, get a banana and the paper, there's a receipt. Go to Taco Cabana, get a taco and a beer, there's a receipt. Put gas in your car, there's a receipt. Watch the cashier become indignant if you say "I don't want it" and thereby making his life miserable because he has to throw it out. They can't understand why you don't want to walk out of the store with a piece of paper that certifies that you paid $1.07 for a bottle of water. Maybe someday there will be receipt police standing outside the door demanding proof that you bought the water and didn't steal it.

Somewhere on this planet there are people who probably save these in chronological order somewhere. Why do that when in about 3 months the printing turns to invisible ink and they are totally illegible? The rest of us are just putting ours into the landfill along with the millions of plastic bags you get everywhere: 7-11, WalMart, etc.

What I have also noticed is that at restaurants if you charge your meal it isn't a simple matter of a receipt, what you get is paperwork. I remember an innocent time when you gave them your card, they ran it through a manual crimping device to emboss a three-ply carbonless form (I remember the carbon ones too, but lets not go there), you signed it and tore the yellow copy off for yourself (white to card company, goldenrod to merchant [what the hell is a goldenrod anyway, a flower?]), and folded up the copy for your records. This was a document, my friends. The size of an envelope. Paper with weight. Easily kept if need be. Not one of these flimsy dissappearing ink deals. And, getting back to the matter of paperwork, what is with the three separate receipts they give you, and no more carbonless convenience either. This means you write down the tip and total and then sign one for the restaurant, then if you need a copy you have to write down the tip and total on another copy. Isn't this repetitive? Then the other receipt? What do you do with that? It's itemized. It has the name of the waitress (Brandi.... with a happy face dot over the "i"). Who gets this? And whatever became of the goldenrod company. Are there millions of goldenrod manufacturers out of business now?

Life goes on.

Automobile Kinship

Ever wonder why, after you bought a new car, that you feel some sort of kinship with other owners of the same brand? And ever wonder why, after about six weeks, that feeling goes away?

South by ....?

I've noticed the tendency of some radio folks to call South by Southwest just "South by." Is anyone as annoyed as I am? Please, how long does it take to add the word southwest? South by. IDIOTS!

Catchphrases

I have noticed the proliferation of new catch phrases lately, most of which are very annoying. Good to go, however, I love. I first heard this expression in the song Beer, Bait, and Ammo by Sammy Kershaw and hear it now and again throughout the South. Just the other day, I saw a 20 minute oil change place called Good to Go! That is a great adaptation of the phrase, I just hope they didn’t slap a ™ on it because that would really irritate me.

Now the one that is really chapping my ass so to speak is no problem. This comes in several irritating versions including….

Me: Could I get my check please?
Waiter: No problem.
Me (to myself): Why should it be a problem? I ordered, I ate, I pay. Would I expect there to be a problem?

Me: Could I have some ground pepper with my salad please?
Waitress: (begrudgingly): No problem.
Me (to myself): Did I offend her? Why did she say no problem and make it sound like it WAS a problem? Does this distract her from her other duties which are not pepper-related?

See where I’m going with this issue? Watch. After reading this, you’ll hear it everywhere.

Then there is whatever which I have come to learn means that the person saying it has lost the argument, thinks you are right, but will not admit to it.

Me: The sky is blue.
Waiter: Whatever.

Toobing in Central Texas

Let me make it clear that it is toobing and not tubing or innertubing, it’s toobing. Just so we can get that straight. Why is toobing so popular? Because it involves little equipment, zero exercise, and provides refreshing entertainment. If you like to drink beer or look at people or enjoy the water or bird watch or hanging out, then toobing is for you.

Our fist step in toobing is deciding where to go. Thankfully, Central Texas offers several toobing destinations all within easy driving distance and all will a diverse subculture.

The Comal River.
Description: This is the shortest river in Texas, it is barely a mile long, and its spring fed which is important because it is what’s known as a “constant level” river. This means that if the other rivers are low, you can always count on the Comal to be available for a good toobing experience.

Where is it: In the heart of New Braunfels, Texas. Several access points, my favorite being Landa Park (the headwaters of the Comal) right by the big building with the smokestacks. There are outfitters throughout the town, however, so you can pretty much rent a toob and jump in anywhere.

Things you should know: The Comal has what’s called “The Chute” which is an old mill reconfigured into a big slide that ends in a violent whirlpool. A lifeguard there told me it was the most dangerous public swimming hole in the state. All members of the Flynn family have had to be rescued by the lifeguards at least once which is a testament to the dangers therein. This makes it one of my favorite places. In fact, most toobers on the Comal ride the chute over and over again. The first ride is free, after that it costs about $3 for a wrist band to do that. Or you can ooch free rides by just walking the long way back to a jump off point in the river, avoiding the dam/lifeguard. There is a great burger joint at the bottom of the chute on the right. You can pull up there, have a burger and fries and a beer and watch the action below. Great people watching.

The river takes you right by Schlitterbahn and right under the bungee swing there.

There are River Taxis throughout the town at various pick up spots to take you back to your car. They cost $1 or $1.50 and you can buy cab fare in advance.

The Guadalupe River
This is the “toobers river” because it offers everything but peace and quiet (see Frío River). The Guadalupe offers beautiful vistas of red cliffs, diving birds, tattoos, beer bonging lesbians, beautiful homes, trailer parks, liquored up college kids, dogs, cops, rednecks, sunburns, litter and other trash. Don’t come here expecting to commune with nature. The atmosphere is 100% party with lots of eeee-hawwws, loud music, and loud people.

Where is it: The toobable portion of the river is basically from the bottom of Canyon lake until Groene, Texas. We always put in at Gilligan’s Island where the owner Dave is honest, friendly, and very helpful given the kind of people he has to put up with day in and day out.

Things you should know: The Guadalupe also has a version of “The Chute.” This is a natural formation of rocks that form a long and narrow passageway on the left hand side of the river (there are signs warning you). The water (when it is high enough) rushes through and spins you around (keep arms and legs in). The Guadalupe is not Constant Level and is subject to the whims of the river authority who is in charge of releasing the water from the dam. Look at my links for flow rates. Anything less than 150 CFS is not worth it, anything over 250 will be fun, anything over 500 and I think they close the river to toobs (but you can still canoe). You should use an outfitter on this river who can get you back to your car relatively easily. All the bigger ones work together and watch out for each other, so you are usually in good hands.

The San Marcos River
This is another short river that runs through the town of San Marcos, which I liken to a miniaturized version of Austin. The San Marcos is verdant with a lot of foliage, therefore lots of wildlife like frogs and fish and birds and the occasional snake (they are everywhere, not just here). The best part of this river is that it flows right by the campus of Texas State University where academics are optional and partying is the norm. Makes for an interesting trip.

Where is it: In San Marcos, duh.

Things you should know: There is a dam that is not marked that you should not go over if you can help it. I nearly killed myself the first time I went. The suction under the water is very strong and it took everything I had to get out of it, and I was not drinking.

The Frio River
This is by far the prettiest most peaceful and relaxing of all the rivers, probably because it is so far from any major city. I have never toobed this river so I am going to have to research it a little. Look for my updated entry later.

More General Information
Bring sunblock and lots of water
River wallets are handy (they hang around your neck and hold money and a car key)
You can buy rafts at Academy for about $10 and an inflator for about the same. This will pay for itself in about two trips to any river.
Don’t litter, please. The litter is almost annoying as the drunkenness and public urination.
If you want to avoid crowds, go earlier in the day. On the Guadalupe the crowds that are still on the water after 4pm are really drunk and obnoxious.

50 Books in 2005

Several years ago I made a resolution to read a book a week. I did it, but it wasn't easy. So I am resolved to do it again this year. I'll post quick reviews here.

The Plot Against America, Philip Roth. This is a novel in which Charles Lindberg is elected president (he defeats FDR) and the nazification of the US that follows. A great book, seemingly real. He crafts this book so well that my mother, who lived through the period, said she found herself "remembering" the fictional events even though they never took place. A book for anyone interested in Jewish America, World War II, or Philip Roth (who happens to be a favorite of mine.)

I am Charlotte Simmons, Tom Wolfe. I am a big Tom Wolfe fan, so I went into this book with a bias. Needless to say, it is a riot and brought back many memories of my college experience. How Wolfe can get into the mindset of all his characters: women, teachers, jocks, blacks, jews, intellectuals, college kids, whatever, he has a tremendous skill. I think he must pay attention to every detail of life.

Manhattan, Pete Hamill. A collection of essays by NY Post writer Pete Hamill that codifies his love affair with NYC, specifically Manhattan, and more specifically downtown. I loved this book because I found that much of what he reflects upon are things that impact me as well. The beauty of the old city, the warmth that people have for each other (despite what others think about NYC), and what he calls the "alloy" of New York and that is the blending of cultures and races and languages and customs and food and music and dress into what we see, hear, and feel when we walk the streets of New York. This book is a must for anyone who loves New York, has an interest in the immigrant culture of the US, early American history, or essay writing as a craft.

Hooded Americanism: The History of the Ku Klux Klan, David M.Chalmers. I received this early 1960s era book as a gift from my girlfriend Amy with whom I share a passionate interest in the Civil War. As any Civil War buff knows, it was Nathan Bedford Forest, CSA general, who started the Kuklos Clan as a civilian militia to protect white landowners in the south from the carpetbaggers who came from the north during deconstruction. What the KKK turned into, according to this book, was a patchwork of unorganized different outfits in each state whose common agenda of hatred terrorized blacks, Catholics, Jews, and other groups for about 100 years. The book is very straightforward, written in an historical context and does not offer any opion good or bad. It's not very well written, but I found it interesting nontheless.

Nicholas Nickelby, Charles Dickens. Written in 1838 but still a very good book with a terrific cast of characters including a flamboyantly gay dress shop owner who just cracked me up. This book cracked me up (I happen to find a lot of Dickens to be very funny).

Positively 5th Street, James MacManus. The author is on assignment for Harpers to cover women playing in the World Series of Poker as well as the trial for the murder of one of the Binion family, of Binion's Horseshoe and World Series of Poker fame. Killing time at Barnes and Noble and sipping coffee, I grabbed this book from the shelf of poker books and started reading it for the hell of it. I was already in the middle of another book at the time, so I wasn't really committed to the relationship. But it hooked me from the first page, so I bought it, I read it, I enjoyed it. If you like poker, murder trials, or Las Vegas you may like this book.

Keep a Lid On It, Donald Westlake. I think I read this book a while back because I have probably read every published word of Westlake's since my father got me started on him in about 1975. And many of his books I have read over and over again. They are fun. More on Westlake at www.donaldwestlake.com.

That makes seven books, its the middle of March, so I am three books behind. I should catch up a little this weekend.

Portuguese Irregular Verbs, Alexander McCall Smith. Author is from Zimbabwe. He calls this book an "entertainment," which sounds like Graham Greene. The entertainment centers around Dr. von Igelfeld, the author of Portuguese Irregular Verbs, and his hijinx with other members of the Institute of Romance Philology. It's rather a series of slightly related wodehouseian incidents that I found rather hilarious. My mother recommended this book along with two others of the same ilk.

In the queue

The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs and The Villa of Reduced Circumstances, both by Alexander McCall Smith.

Fame, Salman Rushdie. I already read this once, but reading it again I am realizing that Rushdie may be the finest writer of English fiction today.

The Devil's Playground, Traub. I am more than halfway through this book. It is a history of Times Square.

My goal is to finish all these by the end of this week, which will give me 12 books in 13 weeks. After that I have to sink my teeth into something with more substance, maybe a classic.

The problem with pepper

I am a pepper lover. I like pepper. Scads of it. I love pepper on scrambled eggs, so much pepper that the yellow of the egg is hardly visible through the layer of black malabar. So as long-time pepper lover I can tell you that the problem with pepper in restaurants today is that they seldom have it right.

• Problem I: Overzealousness on the part of the busboy who fills the pepper and salt shakers. If you fill a salt shaker to the brim, it will still deliver the product when you turn it over and shake. However, if you fill a pepper shaker to the brim it will NOT deliver the product when you turn it over and shake. This is because pepper is slightly more granular and less consistent in shape and size than salt, so pepper requires a little room to dance around before it can fit through the holes.

• Problem II: Size of pepper granules relative to the size of the holes of the pepper shaker. This is a common problem to which I have found that the only resolution is to remove the pepper shaker top and then spread the pepper directly from the open shaker. This has more than once put my dining companion ill at ease. This is also a common problem in Italian pizzerias with the red pepper flakes that are stored in glass shakers whose metal tops have holes far too small to dispense the red pepper flakes.
  Problem III: The freshly ground pepper. This is a routine that used to be carried out with flare and some restaurants make a big deal about it. Macaroni Grill, for example. But what usually happens is that you ask for fresh pepper and then your food turns stone cold while you wait for the waiter to bring the pepper mill to the table. Or, the embarrassment of sitting there waiting for the waitress to finish milling the pepper to your taste (remember I like a lot of pepper). I have to say that the best alternative is to provide me with the tool, and let me do my own grinding. But for God's sake make sure there are peppercorns in the mill!

A word about pepper packets. Well, several words about pepper packets. They never have enough pepper in them and it's damned embarrassing to rip open 20 packets just for one scrambled egg. Lets see, 20 packets time 10 grains of pepper per packet...... The salt packets have much more salt in them. Do people use that much more salt than they do pepper? If so, this may be a clue to the nation's health problems.